


Crash and Burn

by stella_polaris



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Female Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Pre-Relationship, Team Bonding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-21
Updated: 2017-10-21
Packaged: 2019-01-20 22:44:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12443409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stella_polaris/pseuds/stella_polaris
Summary: Keith inhales deeply and is surprised by the shakiness of it. He wants to come up with an excuse but his mind is blank and it only really hits him now. The adrenaline from the battle is fading and Keith is starting to realise the repercussions of his actions out there. If Lotor hadn’t showed up, he would have gone through with his plan. And he’d be dead now. He would not be standing in this corridor with Lance. Lance who’s still looking at him, waiting for an answer.





	Crash and Burn

**Author's Note:**

> I know this has been done about a million of times by now... but I had my own thoughts about what happened after the season 4 finale and needed to write it down. 
> 
> Thanks to nanamonella for helping me edit this <3

_ When you feel all alone _

_ And the world has turned its back on you _

_ Give me a moment please _

_ To tame your wild, wild heart _

(Savage Garden - Crash and Burn)

 

“Hey, Keith!”

Lance’s voice rings across the corridor and Keith’s steps slow down slightly, waiting for his teammate to catch up with him. They have both only just landed in the Castle of Lions after the madness that was Naxzela. 

Keith went on ahead on behalf of Kolivan’s orders while the Blade’s leader will join Voltron at a later point after dealing with some other issues. So with nothing much to do for the moment Keith was on his way to his old room, to get out of the suit and take a good, long shower and then he was probably going to meet up with the others. Because there sure is a lot to discuss…

He’s already left most parts of his armour behind in the fighter and when he looks at Lance, he sees he has done the same with his paladin armour.

Lance falls into step next to him and bumps their shoulders together good-naturedly. “You good?” he asks.

Keith nods. “Yeah.”  _ More or less.  _

“Are you staying or are you just here for the moment?”

Keith shrugs his shoulders. “I don’t know yet… that kinda changes everything, you know?”

“Man, that was something… What were you gonna do out there anyway?” Lance asks curiously and Keith nearly trips over his own feet. 

“I…” he starts but can’t quite find the words to explain.

Lance frowns slightly as he stops walking completely. “You were about to do something rash and incredibly stupid, am I right?”

Keith has two options. He could just flat-out lie and come up with something he was going to do. But he’s not a good liar. And he doesn’t even want to lie. So his other option is telling the truth…

“Keith…” Lance notices his reluctance. Of course he does, he’s observant like that.

“I was going to fly my fighter into the barrier…” Keith admits quietly.

Lance gapes at him, blue eyes widening. Keith looks down, at his boots, at the ground. At anything but the shock he can see reflected in Lance’s eyes.

“I know it wasn’t the smartest idea… but I had to do  _ something _ …”

“Not the- You would’ve died, Keith!” Lance’s hands are on Keith’s shoulders suddenly, shaking him slightly. “You would have died.”

Keith inhales deeply and is surprised by the shakiness of it. He wants to come up with an excuse but his mind is blank and it only really hits him now. The adrenaline from the battle is fading and Keith is starting to realise the repercussions of his actions out there. If Lotor hadn’t showed up, he would have gone through with his plan. And he’d be dead now. He would not be standing in this corridor with Lance. Lance who’s still looking at him, waiting for an answer.

But Keith has no answers. He has nothing to say that would make this sound any less morbid and crazy. Because that’s what it is, bat-shit crazy. Since the whole Voltron thing started, this is the closest he’s ever come to actually dying. And it was his own decision that brought him there. 

The scene from earlier starts playing on loop in Keith’s head and he knows he has to get away. Away from Lance who is so obviously concerned for him. He can’t take it right now. He needs to sort himself out first. 

“I- I have to go…” 

Keith shrugs out of Lance’s hold on him and walks, nearly runs away. 

“Keith, wait! Where are you going?”

Keith doesn’t even answer and Lance doesn’t follow him. And Keith is grateful for that. He doesn’t know whether Lance really wants to give him space or whether it’s something else, less thoughtful… but it doesn’t matter.

There’s a weird pressure building in his chest and Keith just wants to hide from the world. It’s too far to his room and he doesn’t want to run into anyone else so he ducks into the first available room he comes across, which happens to be a storage room.

His heart is racing by now and the room is spinning slightly. Keith slides down to the floor, bracketed by storage crates on both sides.  _ “You would have died!” _ Lance’s words are echoing in his mind. Of course he would have… but better just him than all the people he cares about, right? Why is he freaking out now then? 

Keith draws his knees up to his chest and tries to will his body to co-operate. But it’s no use. It feels like his breaths don’t get the air he needs into his lungs, his entire body is pins and needles. He’s only vaguely aware of the door opening because the static in his ears drowns out most of the sound. 

He hears someone call his name. Lance? Lance. Keith looks up just enough to see the other teen kneel down in front of him. Everything looks blurry… is he crying? Keith didn’t realise he was crying…

“Oh Keith…” Lance says softly and inches closer without touching him. 

“I want it to stop,” Keith whispers, squeezing his eyes shut.

Lance hesitates for a second. “Is it okay when I touch you?” he asks and waits for Keith to nod before he goes on. 

“Okay then… first of all, you need to breathe. Hyperventilating is just gonna make it worse.” He reaches for Keith’s hand and places it on his chest. “Breathe with me.”

The world narrows down to Lance. Lance telling him to inhale and exhale, the rise and fall of Lance’s chest as he does the same, Lance’s hand on top of his own. Keith feels Lance’s warmth through the flight suit, he feels his heartbeat, not as erratic as his own, but a steady drum that’s keeping him grounded now.

It feels like ages before Keith’s breathing resembles a normal pattern again and the numbness in his limbs starts to subside. 

Lance lightly squeezes the hand he’s still holding. “Better?”

Keith doesn’t trust his voice again yet so he just nods once more. Lance sighs and gets up to push one of the crates to the side so he can fit into the nook next to Keith. He sits close enough that their shoulders are brushing but otherwise he gives Keith some space.

“Was that the first panic attack you’ve had?” Lance asks quietly.

Keith looks up. “Panic attack?” Now that Lance says it… that actually makes sense. That’s what it was.

“You didn’t even… you’re a real piece of work.” Lance shakes his head but there’s a small smile on his face. “What just happened was basically the prime example of a panic attack and you didn’t even know.”

Keith wipes away the last dampness from his eyes with the back of his hand. 

“How should I know if it never happened before,” Keith replies.

“Hmmm… right,” Lance agrees.

“I’m sorry,” Keith says, barely audible, “For this. For… earlier.”

“I’ll accept the apology for your recklessness but not for now,” Lance answers, “I hope I didn’t make it worse when I called you out like that.”

Keith shrugs. “No, you just made me realise the full scale of it… and it all clicked into place and whoa… reality kinda caught up with me.” He shudders involuntarily. “And I’m still sorry you had to deal with me like that.”

Lance rolls his eyes and scoots closer so they’re pressed against each other from shoulder to thigh. “Stop beating yourself up over it. We all have issues.”

Keith raises an eyebrow. “Have  _ you _ had a panic attack before?”

Lance nods. “Once or twice. It’s probably more common than you think. And after everything that happened, I think you have every reason to be upset.”

“I just…” Keith starts and then thinks better of it. He just doesn’t want to unload all of his emotional baggage onto Lance. That wouldn’t be fair. “Ah no, forget about it.”

“Keith,” Lance starts and looks at him disapprovingly.

“Don’t  _ ‘Keith’ _ me…” Keith huffs.

“You know, talking about stuff is usually the key to not having a panic attack because you deal with shit before you bottle it all up and it becomes too much. But what do I know, right? Why should you take me serious?” 

Lance breaks eye contact. That was not at all what Keith meant but of course Lance completely misunderstands. 

“I just don’t want to bother you!” Keith says, frustration apparent in his voice.

“I wouldn’t be here if you were bothering me!” Lance retorts in the same way and they’re stuck glaring at each other for a few seconds.

Keith sighs. “Why does everything turn into an argument with us? I don’t even want to argue with you.”

“Me neither…” Lance admits and smiles sheepishly before he gets up from the floor. He extends his hand to Keith. “Come on, let’s go.” 

Keith takes the offered hand and lets himself be pulled to his feet by Lance. “Go where?”

“I have an idea.” Lance smiles and leads the way, not letting  go of Keith’s hand. 

Keith is slightly confused but doesn’t pull his hand back either, instead letting Lance pull him along. He’s only marginally surprised when they end up in the observation room. He knows this is where Lance spends most of his free time. Or at least, he did until a few months ago. Taking in his surroundings, it looks like not much has changed. Several blankets and cushions have transformed the formerly cold room into a nice lounge area that has the added bonus of panorama windows.

Lance plops down on the cushioned floor, motioning for Keith to join him there. 

“So what were you going to say earlier?” Lance asks once Keith is seated comfortably next to him.

Keith sighs. “You’re not giving up, right?”

“Nope.”

“I don’t want to be a burden. That’s why I don’t like to talk about… feelings. Not that I even had the chance the last couple of months.”

“Yeah… I imagine the Blade aren’t big on sharing feelings. But you’re here right now. And I’m offering. We all have our issues but I’d rather you talked to me before you go on suicide missions again.” 

“It’s not like that… I didn’t plan to. Which doesn’t mean I didn’t think. But it was all a matter of seconds, you know? I just needed to do something and it seemed like the only possible way. I didn’t want to go down without a fight and if it would’ve saved you and the others at the same time, then… yeah.” 

Keith shrugs helplessly. “I didn’t think about myself but I did think about you guys. I guess that’s kind of… fucked up.”

“It’s scary,” Lance admits, frowning.

“I’m sorry,” Keith says quietly, “See, this is why I keep my mouth shut, I just mess things up.”

“No, stop apologizing… I didn’t mean it like that. And you don’t. What I was getting at is…” 

Lance takes a moment to find the right words, looking out at the stars. “We would’ve been devastated. You’re so important to us. And I don’t even wanna  _ think _ about losing you.” 

Keith is speechless. To hear these words means a lot. From Lance of all people, someone he considers a friend but he’s still sometimes not sure where they’re standing. He’s still a bit shaken from the panic attack. That’s what he blames the fact that there are tears pricking at his eyes again on. 

Lance is looking at him out of the corner of his eyes. He seems to hesitate until he notices the tears quietly rolling down Keith’s cheeks. It’s then that he wordlessly pulls Keith into a hug.

And Keith nearly melts into his arms. This day is already a strong contender for the worst in his entire existence. More embarrassment by crying on Lance’s shoulder doesn’t matter anymore. It feels like every emotion he’s repressed over the past few months because other things were more important is coming to the surface now. 

And Lance doesn’t judge him. He doesn’t say anything when Keith is sobbing and clinging to him. He only holds him tighter and soothingly strokes his back. 

Keith doesn’t know whether it takes ten minutes or an hour until he’s able to calm down again. He moves back a little but stays close, partly because Lance makes no move to remove the arm he still has wrapped around Keith. 

“This is embarrassing…” Keith mumbles.

“Because you’re crying or because it’s me?” Lance asks.

“No! Not because it’s you… but I don’t think I’ve cried this much in the past 5 years,” Keith hurries to explain.

How Lance can still think that Keith feels uncomfortable around him is a mystery. It’s hard to understand that someone like Lance often needs reassurance that what he’s doing is right. That and the fact that someone like Keith sometimes finds it hard to put his feelings into words… it’s challenging to say the least. 

But they have grown closer. The fact that neither of them is freaking out right now instead of sitting there calmly is a testament to that. 

“Look,” Lance starts, “I know I might not be your first option. But if you ever want to talk and need someone to listen… I can do that. No judging. No stupid comments. Just listening.”

“Thank you… I’ll- I’ll keep that in mind,” Keith replies and the smile that makes its way onto his face is genuine. 

Lance nods and smiles as well. “Good.”

They hear voices outside and scoot apart a few inches before Hunk and Pidge appear in the doorway and peek into the room.

“Told you Lance would be here,” Hunk tells Pidge as if they’d been arguing about that fact.

“And  _ I _ told you we’d find Keith with Lance,” Pidge says with a smug grin.

“Uhm… hey, guys,” Keith says uncertainly, feeling like he’s intruding although he and Lance were here first.

“We were wondering where you were… We thought Shiro might want to debrief but he dismissed us. He thinks we should all think about the Lotor situation before we discuss anything,” Hunk explains.

“Wanna join us then?” Lance asks.

“Sure!” Hunk beams and claims the spot on Lance’s other side.

“I mean… I do have stuff to do…” Pidge objects.

“Shut up and sit down, Pidgeon. Your computer isn’t running away and you deserve some down-time,” Lance interrupts her.

Pidge sighs a drawn-out sigh. “Fine,” she says and sits down cross-legged next to Keith.

Keith knows he must look like a mess, he has no doubt his eyes are red and he looks like he’s been crying. But neither Pidge nor Hunk comment on it and he’s grateful for that.

“So I was talking to Matt…” Pidge starts and looks at Keith, “And he told me what you were planning to do before Lotor showed up.”

“Pidge, I-,” Keith starts but Pidge holds up her hand and stops him.

“Let me finish, okay? I’m not gonna lecture you on how fucked up that was. Shiro’s gonna do that when he finds out. Just… please don’t ever do it again?”

Keith is about to assure her that he won’t when she latches onto him and he nearly topples over from the force of the hug.

“Because you fucking idiot scared me a lot and if you do it again, I’m gonna punch you but I won’t be able to do that if you’re dead!”

“She’s right, you know,” Hunk adds and Lance looks at Keith as if he wants to say ‘See, I’m not the only one who cares.’

It’s nearly too much all over again.

“So who’s up for some video games?” Lance asks, diffusing the tension in the room. Keith catches his eye and smiles at him, sending a silent thank you for taking the attention away from himself.

“I hate to say it but that’s the best idea anyone’s had today,” Pidge says.

“That’s because I’m brilliant,” Lance retorts.

“Keep telling yourself that,” Pidge teases back, “I’ll go and grab the console.”

“I’ll set up the screen in the meantime!” Hunk says excitedly.

Lance’s makeshift pillow fort, as it turns out, is the perfect place for video games. Hunk has also grabbed some snacks from the kitchen and the four of them are enjoying a welcome and much-deserved distraction from the day they’ve had.

They take turns with the controllers since there are only two and although both Pidge and Lance get very competitive about the whole ordeal, it’s all more about the fun instead of who wins. 

Keith realises how much he’s missed this. Just spending time with the rest of his team. He doesn’t know what will happen after. Whether he’ll stay or leave again with the Blade of Marmora. It all depends  on the new situation with Lotor. But for now, Keith is just glad that he gets this, that he gets to spend time with his friends and they can all forget about the madness around them for a short while.

Pidge and Hunk are playing right now and Keith is just idly watching the screen, quietly laughing at how Pidge is going insane because Hunk’s character keeps on dying in the game instead of helping hers complete the level.

Lance is still sitting next to him, so close that they brush against each other when one of them moves. And it’s… good. It feels right. 

Lance’s hand is resting on the floor between them and Keith plucks up all of his courage and moves his own closer towards it. Until their hands brush. Until Keith wraps his pinkie finger around Lance’s. It’s worth the crooked smile that Lance sends his way after that.

“Hunk, I think we can play another level, they’re not paying attention anyway…” Pidge observes and she might just be right with that assumption.


End file.
